The End of 2013

I guess it’s customary to wish everyone Happy New Year. My wish for 2014 is to regain my life, my health – to be itches-free, rashes-free, flares-free, eczema-free, allergy-free, being able to walk, stand and run, being employed and regain my high flying position, be happy, and get to stay happily together with my loved ones, and never to part again.

I am still sick in bed. The ice bag is still sitting next to my chin. Moving from one area to another trying to cool down the burning sensation. My head is feeling heavy due to interrupted sleep and also lack of sleep for many nights.

I can still hear the sound of fireworks every now and then. But the rumbling sound of my hungry tummy is just as loud as the fireworks. Many people are uploading their happy moments celebrating NYE on FB. I could only browse through them in sadness. I have stayed in this room for over 30hours. Too sick to leave the bedroom if it wasn’t for the desperation to get ice for my skin. The ice supply is also getting extremely low. At one stage, I ran out of ice. I ended up buying 2 bags of ice from the nearby 7-11. One for yesterday and another today. Very likely, I might have to do so for tomorrow too.

I am not envious of people enjoying their NYE in public at all. I just wish to have a peaceful sleep without any flares tonight. I needed a good rest. My right eye lid is affected by the flares. The lid becomes dopier than it is, sort of covering a little of my pupil. The flares has caused my complexion becomes darker on my face, chin, and neck. There are still red bums on them too. The affected areas are burning hot.

I feel so lonely, depress and sad suffering alone here and lying in bed in total darkness. My thought goes to my loved ones who is fast asleep in another country. This makes me feel even sadder. How I wish we could be together. How I wish I have someone to share this pain with me now.

My dear Lord, don’t you think I have suffered enough? Don’t you think I have learnt my lesson? Can I have back what were taken away from me? My health, my wealth, my love, my life, my sanity, my dignity, my self esteem, my everything. Please?

The sound of pain

It burns! It stings. It hurts! It is painfully itchy! Yet another morning flares. This is the 2nd painful vicious cycle throughout the night. Oh Lord, please do not forsake me! Hear me! Hear my prayer!

I am no saint!

It burns! It itches! It flares up and spreads. Red bumps and flaky skin. On my neck, my chin, behind both ears. The thighs and calves. My wrist and arms. And my back too. There are all in constant agony. And I am ice bagging 24-7 till I fell unconscious. I will be awaken not long after; when the next severe itch and flares kicks in every 2-3 times at night, religiously. The Chinese herbs tend to do very little help. The process is slow. But I will keep taking as long as it is not steroid.

In the mean while, let’s not forget about the severity of the eczema on my palm and foot. There are just as bad and painful/itchy/inflamed/flaky/oozing.

Also, the constant shivering, goose bums, sore throat and running nose due to flu.

I am tired. I am sick. I am alone going through this test of constant pain and suffering. You may hear me whining. You may think I am exaggerating. God knows what I am going through now. And not to mention the other sort of emotional pain of being away from my family and still being unemployed.

This by far the biggest test In life. I have been through terrible times in life. Was emotionally and financially abused. Was physically tested with sickness as well – but it wasn’t as severe as this one.

My achilles issue almost got me immobilised. I now have to rely on wheel chair and a walking staff, occasionally. There are times where I am completely bed-ridden too.

This pain, itches, agony, suffering or whatever you named – ain’t exaggeration. What good does it do for me, anyway?

I am constantly praying. I am always in conversation with the Almighty. In fact, I just had my last appointment not long ago! I have faith! I belief! I also realised this is a test. BUT this is just too much for me to handle! I am just human. How can I possibly cope with everything all at once?! I am no saint!

It’s darn itchy!

It’s in the middle of the night. In fact, it is almost breaking dawn. But I have yet gotten a chance to sleep. This is due to extreme itch from my eczema.

My palm and foot are screaming at me! I am trying so hard not to scratch. I did a bit earlier but had to control my urges before I create greater damage to my skin. Gosh! What have I consumed today that contributes to this madness?

The foot has been soaking in rooibos tea, epsom salt and himalayan salt for over 20mins. But the itch has not subside. Help! It’s darn itchy!