Hanging By The Thread

After 703 days, I am barely surviving. Life is on a standstill, indefinitely. No job, no life, no health, I wonder when my time is up.

My health continues to deteriorate. Without much medical assistance, I foresee this will only get worse. Unfortunately, no practitioners or specialists are able to offer any sound advice or medication. I am now relying on traditional and natural medication. Only God knows when this will end.

I have not been out of my bedroom like for months. Being disabled and immobilised, there is not much of a life. I have lost interest in every thing. I have no motivation to do anything. It took me half a day staring at my blog to finally write this silly irrelevant entry – there is so much going on in my mind yet there is so little I can express.

I need an intervention. A great intervention from God to get me out of this misery. When will my prayers be answered?

Staphylococcus Aureus

Another day. Still all stress out with my current infection. Completed 4 swab tests and 2 scaling tests. A biopsy is scheduled for next month. It’s all pain with zero joy.

Life is cruel

28th Feb 2014.
Still sick.
Temporary disabled and immobilised due to staph infection now.
Spent thousand of dollars in vain. Unemployment makes life even more stressful.
I find myself feeling suicidal at this moment.
Dear Lord! I can ‘t handle this any longer. Please hear me out! Take back this pain, sickness and suffering. It has been years till I lost count.

Suffering and Pain

A year ago I started this blog to document my life that was given a second chance. Only did I not know this life was actually going through hell for the second time. And the torturing has been intensified each day without mercy. Having to charge through this hell of fire alone is not only tormenting but also has suck out heaps of my light and energy. The light to survive is getting dimmer and flickering in search of mercy from the Almighty.

I am pretty sure there are plenty others who are suffering twice or more than me. But this doesn’t make my pain any easier. The problem always seem to be bigger because they are mine! So, said Ally McBeal. And I can only second her account.

It’s almost dinner time here. I have no food gone into my stomach since last night. I wasn’t on a hunger strike. I am just too sick to leave the room for food. The ice bag won’t last me long enough to shop for food. And 1 minute without an ice bag would allow my entire body to flare up instantly. Yes, this is how severe my situation is! I haven’t been able to get much sleep last night either. Every hour I had to get ice. And going up and down the stairs had taken a toll on my knees and legs.

Time really flies. Been a year now. Yet, my pathetic sad depressed unhealthy life has not improved a bit. It only gotten worse.

What in the world have I sinned to be punished like this? Is this karma? If yes, I beg for forgiveness. I would go down on my knees and cry for mercy, If only I could bend them without any problems. Regardless of what you think, this is part of life’s suffering. And we are not chosen to go through suffering for no reasons. Situation like these have forced me to think that I must have sinned. While others may think I am a chosen one and it is a blessing; and while I believe too, but at the same time I am just a homo sapien! For heaven sake, I cannot handle this. I am too weak for this. It has been going on since my teenage life time. When will it stop? Till the day I die? And will they be more punishment while waiting for Judgment Day? And what would my sentence be then?

While everyone is out partying or getting ready to do so for the 2013 countdown, I am stuck in my bed hungry & terribly sick, helpless, praying hard for a rash free, itch free, eczema free, sick free life!

I need to get more ice…

The sound of pain

It burns! It stings. It hurts! It is painfully itchy! Yet another morning flares. This is the 2nd painful vicious cycle throughout the night. Oh Lord, please do not forsake me! Hear me! Hear my prayer!

Rental updates

I like to talk about the new rental place for a change since my rashes is under control with ice bag for now.

While I am in great pain and sick, I have also been out running around out in the sun trying to get the place ready to stay. There are so much to do and I have done heaps. Oddly enough, I still feel like I haven’t even started!

Relocation really costs a fortune! I must say it costs a life time saving. My bank account is showing zero! I had to buy everything – even though it is the basic necessity. And like I said before, the list of basic things is not even a complete list.

The house is still empty. Don’t think we can afford any furniture. In fact, there is no plan to buy any. Just a bookshelf lying on the ground waiting to be assembled. I guess, that will have to wait too.

The living hall would only have a bookshelf, a cheap coffee table which i got it from Ikea, and 2 secondhand chair which I got it for free from this temporary accommodation. The owner was kind to donate it.

I have no intention to fill up the place with much things. We plan to live a minimalist lifestyle. This will allow us to just pack and leave one day and to return to the wonderful Land of Oz.

Tomorrow will be the last day of 2013 and my life has become as empty as the living hall…

Never-ending torment

Thinking back, I have been suffering in sickness and other unfortunate series for ages. For instance, this time last year I was bedridden for over months!

Lord, I know you can take all these pain and suffering away instantly! Please don’t hesitate any further. It is just too unbearable.

Tribute to All My Readers

I am still in a bad shape today. My cold has not subsided. My chin and neck were badly inflamed, red, burning and itchy when i woke up. Been ice bagging since and this has calm it down a little.

In reality, I am suffering in silence. Apart from my immobility, and what other physical pain, ie eczema/allergy that can be observed, no one knows the real pain & torment that I am going through. Only to the exclusive readers from the virtual world have this knowledge. Ever since I got strike by these series of unfortunate events in life, I have lost almost everything. Friends is one of the lost items. I have no friends now. People whom I have know for life have ignored me.

But I am not despaired over lost friends. I have similar experience when I was doing my undergraduate years many years ago. I had a torn ligament on my knees that time. Because of that, I can’t walk. I also stayed in a dorm which means I was self-dependant. So, it was tough. It was at that moment, I learnt the true meaning of ‘A friend in need is a friend indeed!’

Now, I am thankful for having readers/bloggers/followers that gave their prayers and words of encouragement for me to keep stepping forward.

I am trying very hard to carry on with this life. I know it has to continue, regardless.

So, I thank everyone out there that have virtually walk beside me. You are my virtual mates that kept me company when I was lonely. Most importantly, you have done your share to keep me alive!

Thank you my virtual friends from all over the world. May God bless you for your kindness.

The 3am itches

There it goes again! The 3 o’clock itches! Works like clock wise. Automated itches every day around the same time. The next one would be in the 3hrs time. Sigh!

I am no saint!

It burns! It itches! It flares up and spreads. Red bumps and flaky skin. On my neck, my chin, behind both ears. The thighs and calves. My wrist and arms. And my back too. There are all in constant agony. And I am ice bagging 24-7 till I fell unconscious. I will be awaken not long after; when the next severe itch and flares kicks in every 2-3 times at night, religiously. The Chinese herbs tend to do very little help. The process is slow. But I will keep taking as long as it is not steroid.

In the mean while, let’s not forget about the severity of the eczema on my palm and foot. There are just as bad and painful/itchy/inflamed/flaky/oozing.

Also, the constant shivering, goose bums, sore throat and running nose due to flu.

I am tired. I am sick. I am alone going through this test of constant pain and suffering. You may hear me whining. You may think I am exaggerating. God knows what I am going through now. And not to mention the other sort of emotional pain of being away from my family and still being unemployed.

This by far the biggest test In life. I have been through terrible times in life. Was emotionally and financially abused. Was physically tested with sickness as well – but it wasn’t as severe as this one.

My achilles issue almost got me immobilised. I now have to rely on wheel chair and a walking staff, occasionally. There are times where I am completely bed-ridden too.

This pain, itches, agony, suffering or whatever you named – ain’t exaggeration. What good does it do for me, anyway?

I am constantly praying. I am always in conversation with the Almighty. In fact, I just had my last appointment not long ago! I have faith! I belief! I also realised this is a test. BUT this is just too much for me to handle! I am just human. How can I possibly cope with everything all at once?! I am no saint!