The End of 2013

I guess it’s customary to wish everyone Happy New Year. My wish for 2014 is to regain my life, my health – to be itches-free, rashes-free, flares-free, eczema-free, allergy-free, being able to walk, stand and run, being employed and regain my high flying position, be happy, and get to stay happily together with my loved ones, and never to part again.

I am still sick in bed. The ice bag is still sitting next to my chin. Moving from one area to another trying to cool down the burning sensation. My head is feeling heavy due to interrupted sleep and also lack of sleep for many nights.

I can still hear the sound of fireworks every now and then. But the rumbling sound of my hungry tummy is just as loud as the fireworks. Many people are uploading their happy moments celebrating NYE on FB. I could only browse through them in sadness. I have stayed in this room for over 30hours. Too sick to leave the bedroom if it wasn’t for the desperation to get ice for my skin. The ice supply is also getting extremely low. At one stage, I ran out of ice. I ended up buying 2 bags of ice from the nearby 7-11. One for yesterday and another today. Very likely, I might have to do so for tomorrow too.

I am not envious of people enjoying their NYE in public at all. I just wish to have a peaceful sleep without any flares tonight. I needed a good rest. My right eye lid is affected by the flares. The lid becomes dopier than it is, sort of covering a little of my pupil. The flares has caused my complexion becomes darker on my face, chin, and neck. There are still red bums on them too. The affected areas are burning hot.

I feel so lonely, depress and sad suffering alone here and lying in bed in total darkness. My thought goes to my loved ones who is fast asleep in another country. This makes me feel even sadder. How I wish we could be together. How I wish I have someone to share this pain with me now.

My dear Lord, don’t you think I have suffered enough? Don’t you think I have learnt my lesson? Can I have back what were taken away from me? My health, my wealth, my love, my life, my sanity, my dignity, my self esteem, my everything. Please?

Never-ending torment

Thinking back, I have been suffering in sickness and other unfortunate series for ages. For instance, this time last year I was bedridden for over months!

Lord, I know you can take all these pain and suffering away instantly! Please don’t hesitate any further. It is just too unbearable.

The 3am itches

There it goes again! The 3 o’clock itches! Works like clock wise. Automated itches every day around the same time. The next one would be in the 3hrs time. Sigh!

I am no saint!

It burns! It itches! It flares up and spreads. Red bumps and flaky skin. On my neck, my chin, behind both ears. The thighs and calves. My wrist and arms. And my back too. There are all in constant agony. And I am ice bagging 24-7 till I fell unconscious. I will be awaken not long after; when the next severe itch and flares kicks in every 2-3 times at night, religiously. The Chinese herbs tend to do very little help. The process is slow. But I will keep taking as long as it is not steroid.

In the mean while, let’s not forget about the severity of the eczema on my palm and foot. There are just as bad and painful/itchy/inflamed/flaky/oozing.

Also, the constant shivering, goose bums, sore throat and running nose due to flu.

I am tired. I am sick. I am alone going through this test of constant pain and suffering. You may hear me whining. You may think I am exaggerating. God knows what I am going through now. And not to mention the other sort of emotional pain of being away from my family and still being unemployed.

This by far the biggest test In life. I have been through terrible times in life. Was emotionally and financially abused. Was physically tested with sickness as well – but it wasn’t as severe as this one.

My achilles issue almost got me immobilised. I now have to rely on wheel chair and a walking staff, occasionally. There are times where I am completely bed-ridden too.

This pain, itches, agony, suffering or whatever you named – ain’t exaggeration. What good does it do for me, anyway?

I am constantly praying. I am always in conversation with the Almighty. In fact, I just had my last appointment not long ago! I have faith! I belief! I also realised this is a test. BUT this is just too much for me to handle! I am just human. How can I possibly cope with everything all at once?! I am no saint!

Day 4

I am invited to a dinner party tonight by the owner of this temporary residence where I am staying at the moment. The party is a celebration of the Chinese Winter Solstice festival. Apparently, this is the final and the biggest celebration in the Chinese calendar. But what concerns me is the condition of my health right now. The flare ups are getting worse from the previous day. I am not sure if I can make it out of this room without feeling the extreme discomfort!

Previously, I have some doubt about the sudden break out on my skin. I was suspecting if the marks were due to bed bugs, or the fact that I have been sleeping in a room with no air-conditioning for the past few days! Undoubtedly, the heat has gravely affected me. But judging from the pattern of this flares, I am beginning to believe that it is not bug bites. It is also not allergy because I have been taking Zrytec quite regularly since the flares, and it didn’t help like it used to. So, all I can say is eczema flaring up to another level!

I have been on TSW for about 3 months. Perhaps, it is moving on to another level of challenges. At times like this, I am so tempted to return to steroid! But what good would it gives? It will only screw my life further and I will forever be doomed! So, please help me God!

Itches and pain

Tonight is not going too well for me. The patch on my foot itches like nobody’s business. It is so bearable. And my toe is in pain which is similar to an ingrown. Every part of my body is feeling uncomfortable. Sigh!