Suffering and Pain

A year ago I started this blog to document my life that was given a second chance. Only did I not know this life was actually going through hell for the second time. And the torturing has been intensified each day without mercy. Having to charge through this hell of fire alone is not only tormenting but also has suck out heaps of my light and energy. The light to survive is getting dimmer and flickering in search of mercy from the Almighty.

I am pretty sure there are plenty others who are suffering twice or more than me. But this doesn’t make my pain any easier. The problem always seem to be bigger because they are mine! So, said Ally McBeal. And I can only second her account.

It’s almost dinner time here. I have no food gone into my stomach since last night. I wasn’t on a hunger strike. I am just too sick to leave the room for food. The ice bag won’t last me long enough to shop for food. And 1 minute without an ice bag would allow my entire body to flare up instantly. Yes, this is how severe my situation is! I haven’t been able to get much sleep last night either. Every hour I had to get ice. And going up and down the stairs had taken a toll on my knees and legs.

Time really flies. Been a year now. Yet, my pathetic sad depressed unhealthy life has not improved a bit. It only gotten worse.

What in the world have I sinned to be punished like this? Is this karma? If yes, I beg for forgiveness. I would go down on my knees and cry for mercy, If only I could bend them without any problems. Regardless of what you think, this is part of life’s suffering. And we are not chosen to go through suffering for no reasons. Situation like these have forced me to think that I must have sinned. While others may think I am a chosen one and it is a blessing; and while I believe too, but at the same time I am just a homo sapien! For heaven sake, I cannot handle this. I am too weak for this. It has been going on since my teenage life time. When will it stop? Till the day I die? And will they be more punishment while waiting for Judgment Day? And what would my sentence be then?

While everyone is out partying or getting ready to do so for the 2013 countdown, I am stuck in my bed hungry & terribly sick, helpless, praying hard for a rash free, itch free, eczema free, sick free life!

I need to get more ice…

The Hellish Experience

Life is still bloody challenging for me! My health has been deteriorating and I am dealing with greater health problems each day.

For the past 3 days, there are growth of hives/mozzies/pimple/bites/allergy itchy red dots on several parts of my body. They are spreading and are extremely itchy. I have tried several types of cream but it didnt manage to calm the itch. Even Zrytec didnt help much this time.

Due to this recent break out, I am getting more depress. Wonder when will the nightmare ends?

Exhausted

I have arrived safely, but not without much annoyance and exhaustion.

I will write more when I have recuperated from this journey.

No dinner due to fatigue. Will try to have some rest for now…

Against My Free Will

In another 4 days, I will have to leave this wonderful land of Oz and to return to the land of hell!

My presence here was unplanned this time. It happened one late night – a week ago. I went online and bought the next available flight. It was just unbearable to be separated with my loved ones. I just had to come back. But now, I am dreading the moment having to leave again.

Can I not leave? Why are we always been forced and placed in a situation against our free will?

“Trouble in Paradise”

My next destination is the opposite of paradise. This is where I am doing my ‘time’ for the next 6 to 7 years. I am clearly reluctant to leave from my current location but what can I do? I literally could not run! I even had the airline prepared a wheelchair for me (my foot has not yet recovered).
The place where I will be sleeping, eating, reading, preparing for work, and so forth is so uncondusive, and the condition is just shocking! This is worst than a cell. In case you are having a hard time understanding my explanation, let me try to illustrate the size of the space (I don’t think it is even suitable to be called a room) that I am about to be. I only had enough space to place my buttock, literally. I will either fall into a dead trap, or hurting myself for trying to manoeuvre my way through. And the heat in this ‘room’ is unbearable. Try to imagine being in a sauna room for over 12-hours daily. The very thought of it makes me sick.
Having turned up at work for over 3 months without any pay or benefit, and which shall remains indefinitely, is another inevitable absurdity that I just had to put up with! I am legally stuck in this situation, and there is no escape. You know what, I felt like I am one of those unfortunate slaves during the Qing Dynasty in the 1800s!
Everything that is happening to me now seems so wrong and outlaw! I hope there is a way out from all this misery and uncertainty of life. Sigh!