Hanging By The Thread

After 703 days, I am barely surviving. Life is on a standstill, indefinitely. No job, no life, no health, I wonder when my time is up.

My health continues to deteriorate. Without much medical assistance, I foresee this will only get worse. Unfortunately, no practitioners or specialists are able to offer any sound advice or medication. I am now relying on traditional and natural medication. Only God knows when this will end.

I have not been out of my bedroom like for months. Being disabled and immobilised, there is not much of a life. I have lost interest in every thing. I have no motivation to do anything. It took me half a day staring at my blog to finally write this silly irrelevant entry – there is so much going on in my mind yet there is so little I can express.

I need an intervention. A great intervention from God to get me out of this misery. When will my prayers be answered?

Listen!

At times like this I really pray and wish to have a doctor that would shut his/her trap and listen up! This is one department which I think they failed to learn in medic school. All of whom I have encountered are either too proud, too busy, or simply don’t care.
What good would it do for the patients if doctors pay no attention and effort in listening to them?
How many of you out there come across a medical practitioner that truly listen to your woes and not just half heartedly hear your voice during consultation?

Staphylococcus Aureus

Another day. Still all stress out with my current infection. Completed 4 swab tests and 2 scaling tests. A biopsy is scheduled for next month. It’s all pain with zero joy.

Autumn Blues

I am discharged from the ER after staying overnight in the observation ward. I am very exhausted and demotivated. I didn’t manage to catch any sleep at all while I was there.

I feel lost and saddened by the words of my naturopath which was thrown at me. I do not wanna discussed it here but nonetheless I am still very sad. Her words and behaviour making me having many thoughts to whether continue with her medication or not. I guess when you have lost respect with a medicine person, it would be hard to have anything to deal with the person anymore.

I would still need to return to the hospital tomorrow. I am referred to the dermatologist this time. I am praying hard that no steroid medicine will ever be prescribed to me, again!

I could feel all the negative energy is around me. Feeling sad, worry about serious matters the most. I am lost of words …

Bad start

Life has been extremely challenging for me this year. It has only been two months into 2014 and I find myself having trouble coping with the demands and suffering that have been offered to me so far. So much so that I have neglected my blog during this time.

One important piece of information I gathered during my course of medical help recently is that I have staph infection. In fact, there are heavily growing on my palm now. Only God knows how much of this bugger is in my immune system. Most importantly is that this bacteria has been in me for quite sometime. It has manifested in the form of arthritis pain in the past – this is very likely the cause to my sudden tendonitis problem. And now its’ manifestation takes the form of eczema. My eczema becomes worse the moment I stopped using steroid. The rebound effect of steroid is hellish. And now with the heavily growth infection on me – is just unbearably torturous.

Life is cruel

28th Feb 2014.
Still sick.
Temporary disabled and immobilised due to staph infection now.
Spent thousand of dollars in vain. Unemployment makes life even more stressful.
I find myself feeling suicidal at this moment.
Dear Lord! I can ‘t handle this any longer. Please hear me out! Take back this pain, sickness and suffering. It has been years till I lost count.

Tribute to All My Readers

I am still in a bad shape today. My cold has not subsided. My chin and neck were badly inflamed, red, burning and itchy when i woke up. Been ice bagging since and this has calm it down a little.

In reality, I am suffering in silence. Apart from my immobility, and what other physical pain, ie eczema/allergy that can be observed, no one knows the real pain & torment that I am going through. Only to the exclusive readers from the virtual world have this knowledge. Ever since I got strike by these series of unfortunate events in life, I have lost almost everything. Friends is one of the lost items. I have no friends now. People whom I have know for life have ignored me.

But I am not despaired over lost friends. I have similar experience when I was doing my undergraduate years many years ago. I had a torn ligament on my knees that time. Because of that, I can’t walk. I also stayed in a dorm which means I was self-dependant. So, it was tough. It was at that moment, I learnt the true meaning of ‘A friend in need is a friend indeed!’

Now, I am thankful for having readers/bloggers/followers that gave their prayers and words of encouragement for me to keep stepping forward.

I am trying very hard to carry on with this life. I know it has to continue, regardless.

So, I thank everyone out there that have virtually walk beside me. You are my virtual mates that kept me company when I was lonely. Most importantly, you have done your share to keep me alive!

Thank you my virtual friends from all over the world. May God bless you for your kindness.

I am no saint!

It burns! It itches! It flares up and spreads. Red bumps and flaky skin. On my neck, my chin, behind both ears. The thighs and calves. My wrist and arms. And my back too. There are all in constant agony. And I am ice bagging 24-7 till I fell unconscious. I will be awaken not long after; when the next severe itch and flares kicks in every 2-3 times at night, religiously. The Chinese herbs tend to do very little help. The process is slow. But I will keep taking as long as it is not steroid.

In the mean while, let’s not forget about the severity of the eczema on my palm and foot. There are just as bad and painful/itchy/inflamed/flaky/oozing.

Also, the constant shivering, goose bums, sore throat and running nose due to flu.

I am tired. I am sick. I am alone going through this test of constant pain and suffering. You may hear me whining. You may think I am exaggerating. God knows what I am going through now. And not to mention the other sort of emotional pain of being away from my family and still being unemployed.

This by far the biggest test In life. I have been through terrible times in life. Was emotionally and financially abused. Was physically tested with sickness as well – but it wasn’t as severe as this one.

My achilles issue almost got me immobilised. I now have to rely on wheel chair and a walking staff, occasionally. There are times where I am completely bed-ridden too.

This pain, itches, agony, suffering or whatever you named – ain’t exaggeration. What good does it do for me, anyway?

I am constantly praying. I am always in conversation with the Almighty. In fact, I just had my last appointment not long ago! I have faith! I belief! I also realised this is a test. BUT this is just too much for me to handle! I am just human. How can I possibly cope with everything all at once?! I am no saint!

Questions

What do you live your life for? Is your life a routine that made up of a 9-5 day job on the weekdays? Working your arse out just to have ends meet? Are you trapped in this generic vicious cycle called modern life?!

Is there a way to escape this self-destruction that we mass produced? What happened to the good old days? Are we all so blinded that we have lost sight of ourselves?

What have we done?

The A-word

I am so agitated by the agitator that agitated me. This agitation is escalating my blood pressure and stress. I can feel my heart beat racing. I feel like punching someone. I feel like swearing out loud. Oh, how I hated this emotion.

Bugger off, you agitator! Take with you the agitation you have just created.