Suffering and Pain

A year ago I started this blog to document my life that was given a second chance. Only did I not know this life was actually going through hell for the second time. And the torturing has been intensified each day without mercy. Having to charge through this hell of fire alone is not only tormenting but also has suck out heaps of my light and energy. The light to survive is getting dimmer and flickering in search of mercy from the Almighty.

I am pretty sure there are plenty others who are suffering twice or more than me. But this doesn’t make my pain any easier. The problem always seem to be bigger because they are mine! So, said Ally McBeal. And I can only second her account.

It’s almost dinner time here. I have no food gone into my stomach since last night. I wasn’t on a hunger strike. I am just too sick to leave the room for food. The ice bag won’t last me long enough to shop for food. And 1 minute without an ice bag would allow my entire body to flare up instantly. Yes, this is how severe my situation is! I haven’t been able to get much sleep last night either. Every hour I had to get ice. And going up and down the stairs had taken a toll on my knees and legs.

Time really flies. Been a year now. Yet, my pathetic sad depressed unhealthy life has not improved a bit. It only gotten worse.

What in the world have I sinned to be punished like this? Is this karma? If yes, I beg for forgiveness. I would go down on my knees and cry for mercy, If only I could bend them without any problems. Regardless of what you think, this is part of life’s suffering. And we are not chosen to go through suffering for no reasons. Situation like these have forced me to think that I must have sinned. While others may think I am a chosen one and it is a blessing; and while I believe too, but at the same time I am just a homo sapien! For heaven sake, I cannot handle this. I am too weak for this. It has been going on since my teenage life time. When will it stop? Till the day I die? And will they be more punishment while waiting for Judgment Day? And what would my sentence be then?

While everyone is out partying or getting ready to do so for the 2013 countdown, I am stuck in my bed hungry & terribly sick, helpless, praying hard for a rash free, itch free, eczema free, sick free life!

I need to get more ice…

I am no saint!

It burns! It itches! It flares up and spreads. Red bumps and flaky skin. On my neck, my chin, behind both ears. The thighs and calves. My wrist and arms. And my back too. There are all in constant agony. And I am ice bagging 24-7 till I fell unconscious. I will be awaken not long after; when the next severe itch and flares kicks in every 2-3 times at night, religiously. The Chinese herbs tend to do very little help. The process is slow. But I will keep taking as long as it is not steroid.

In the mean while, let’s not forget about the severity of the eczema on my palm and foot. There are just as bad and painful/itchy/inflamed/flaky/oozing.

Also, the constant shivering, goose bums, sore throat and running nose due to flu.

I am tired. I am sick. I am alone going through this test of constant pain and suffering. You may hear me whining. You may think I am exaggerating. God knows what I am going through now. And not to mention the other sort of emotional pain of being away from my family and still being unemployed.

This by far the biggest test In life. I have been through terrible times in life. Was emotionally and financially abused. Was physically tested with sickness as well – but it wasn’t as severe as this one.

My achilles issue almost got me immobilised. I now have to rely on wheel chair and a walking staff, occasionally. There are times where I am completely bed-ridden too.

This pain, itches, agony, suffering or whatever you named – ain’t exaggeration. What good does it do for me, anyway?

I am constantly praying. I am always in conversation with the Almighty. In fact, I just had my last appointment not long ago! I have faith! I belief! I also realised this is a test. BUT this is just too much for me to handle! I am just human. How can I possibly cope with everything all at once?! I am no saint!

Time is running short

It’s pretty cold today due to the continuous downpour. My hands are freezing as I am tucked in bed. The pain on my neck, shoulder and chest has not subsided. It hurts when I lied down and it also hurts when I moved about. I am trying hard not to give in to pain killer, as my gut is leaky enough as it is.

I did some classical music transferred today into my iTunes. Never knew it was so tiring and and bad for my muscle spasm. But I just had to have something more on my iTunes, or I will bored myself to sleep again. I had only two songs on my iTunes the other day that went on repeat modes for the entire flight! No wonder I managed to fall asleep. I like to be more prepared this time, as it will be a dreadful journey. I have also done some packing. One luggage is almost full. I am allow to check-in 2 pieces of luggage. So, I will have to continue tomorrow.

I better put some rub on my shoulder before it really become unbearable. Gotta put on some disposable gloves or else the rub will flare up my eczema on my palm and fingers.

Life!